9 things to make you laugh when you want to cry
9 things to make you laugh when you want to cry
I had my third baby two months ago. Three kids is no joke. You know that when a mom doesn’t have sleep, pretty much nothing is a laughing matter. But really I’m in baby bliss, despite it being a loooooong road to get here. Facebook may make life seem easy breezy and fun, but everyday is not a pool party for this Florida mom. Speaking of bikinis, anyone know where I can find more of those cloth undies the hospital provides during your stay? Asking for a friend 😜. Let’s discuss 9 things a new mom such as myself has experienced, to make you other expecting/new moms laugh until you pee (easy enough if this isn’t you first pregnancy), when you may want to cry right about now (from exhaustion, or just good old hormones).
1. Maternity jeans. The stretchiness and comfort of them is life changing. Guess who is still wearing them? Moi. Ain’t no shame in my maternity wear game.
2. C-sections. About 30% percent of US moms had a c-section in order to bring our precious little ones into the world, many were emergency c-sections. Anyone else find it strange when women say: Awe you had a c-section? Does that make you feel bad you couldn’t deliver ‘naturally?’ To tell you the truth my now frenemy, I never even thought of it that way. I went through 12 hours of labor and then due to my blood pressure being too high, I was told it was time to have a c-section. My baby was born healthy, like yours, my baby is beautiful, like yours, and it looks like we’re both carrying the same amount of post delivery baby weight. Did you get some special trophy I’m not aware of? I didn’t think so. Shut yo mouth.
3. Let’s talk ‘making the baby.’ The first was a piece of cake, the second took a bit longer. The third was straight up exhausting. Guess who didn’t feel sexy the 18th night in a row of ‘trying.’ When romance fails, and by day 18 I assure you it does, humor may pick up the slack. My husband once reminded me of the scene where George in Seinfeld eats a pastrami sandwich during sex. That lightened the mood, and we did indeed make a baby that month. It turns out that the less stressed you and your significant other are, the more likely you are to get pregnant. Truth.
4. Think before you ask. A sonogram tech legit asked me at 5 months pregnant if we were trying. Um since when did that become your business lady? That’s really never okay to ask anyone, but most certainly not a 5 month pregnant married woman. Rub that gooey stuff on my belly, tell me everything looks normal and print out some pics and let’s be on our way. And yes, for the record, we really did always want three kids (send wine please).
5. Formula and breastfeeding. Fed is best. Period, end of story. Let the healthcare experts educate parents-to-be. If your opinion is needed, it will be solicited. And don’t bully me or anyone else, we have enough shit going on in our lives with a newborn (literally and figuratively). Boob, bottle, whatever works for your family works for me. Take a que from Bobby Brown, ‘it’s my prerogative.’
6. Let’s get back to those panties (oooh gross, I hate that word). Underwear–mesh, cloth underwear. It’s a true lifesaver after you’ve delivered–loose, breathable and all around comforting. Your hospital will give you a few pairs during your stay. If you know what’s good for you, ask for a few pairs to bring home. You can thank me later.
7. Poop happens. I once left the house in a rush eager to have 10 mins to myself after having my first. I went to fill up with gas and immediately noticed poop on my hand. If it was my poop or anyone else’s I would have gagged and screamed. But baby poop, nah, no biggie. Happens to the best of us as we multi-task and I promise that you will survive your first ‘blowout.’
8. If you like it then you should of bought a $1000 stroller for it. No no no. One of the first things people start giving you (unsolicited) advice on when you get pregnant is baby gear. I’m here to tell you that you don’t need that. Yes THAT. You need some simple clothing, diapers (cloth or disposable, whatever you fancy), your boobs or formula and shelter and your snuggles and love, new Mom and/or Dad. That’s all your baby needs. Wants are a different story, so if you want to splurge, do it! Honestly, I splurged on ready made formula because it saves me A LOT of time, but on the flip side, I’m using the same amazing strollers I’ve used through three kids. Find the happy medium, you won’t feel guilty.
9. No you can’t touch my baby. I like to think I give off the inviting vibe, and it’s true, I always try to be inclusive and warm. However, you know who isn’t sending you an invite? My baby, at least not for a couple months. That’s right. If my doc and father who is a retired surgeon say wait until six weeks to allow visitors to touch your child, there is a reason. A simple unwashed hang carrying an illness that touches your newborn could result in a serious sickness (ever heard of croup? Go YouTube it.). As the Countess says ‘be cool, don’t be all uncool.’ Respect a new parent’s wishes.
If any of the above made you laugh, you get me. And I get you. Let’s be friends…stay tuned for more.